A win

OK, here's the deal.

In a week where:

• I ate as many carbs as I wanted as long as it was low fat,


• I am floated and bloated with PMT


• I am constipated


• I am retaining water from last weeks heat


• I only did one training session (because Andrew was away)

You'd think I'd have put weight on really?

Nah.

I lost 0.5kg

Happy with that.

Keen as.......

Amazingly though, for the first time in ages, I am actually looking forward to training tomorrow morning, and even more impressively, I am keen to get on the scales.

Watch this space.

Friends....

Friends....

We were friends for a long time. Back when I rifled through my father’s
hidden stash of dark chocolate, you were there. When I sneaked Mars Bars from
the larder and hoped no one would notice, you were there. You even came along to my grandmother's house that summer when I was just six. How embarrassing to find that Granny had taped closed the lolly jar after she noticed I'd pilfered some.
You understood, though.

You were my friend, even when my Dad became sick and it shattered our
family. You stood by me when I lost myself in school. After our separation at
university, you appeared when I needed you again. You have been a steady friend,
available at any moment of any day. Boring weekend? Nothing to do? Tired?
Confused? Too much to think about? You were there offering a plate piled high of
hot buttered toast. Or best of all, offering a great big bag of crisps.

As I grew up (literally: upwards and outwards) my friends liked
you, too. We'd all go out and eat curries, or deep fried crumbed mushrooms and
potato skins. And a salty main course always called for something sweet, so we'd
create ice cream taste sensations with Mars bar sauce and peanuts. We were all
friends. We stuck together.

Who needs blokes when you have popcorn drizzled with butter or bowls of
Bhuja mix?

As it turns out, blokes are more interesting than you. You have
to admit, though, that occasionally, when we did get together, a whole pizza
would disappear and sometimes a pound-size bag of Maltesers, too. And I never
did practice moderation on that rare occasion we'd go a restaurant. Hello!? I
had to get my money's worth.

My job made it convenient to spend time with you, which was great,
wasn't it? All those tacos and freshly deep-fried chips? What's not to like
about deep-fried flour tortillas dusted with cinnamon sugar? Hot chips? My
constant companion.

I really never expected to see you once I got married. And I probably
wouldn't have if infertility hadn’t lurked. I will never forget the first time
we were together again. They're not kidding, are they? Once you pop, you just
can't stop. I had to hide that Pringles can when it was all over so my husband
wouldn't realize how much I ate when we reunited. We picked up right where we
left off, didn't we?

Married life stressed me out, but not because of the marriage itself.
The other stuff that happens to grown-ups challenged, teased and tested me -
bereavements, the infertility, moving, job changes, financial trials,
parenting, pregnancy, moving again--oh, and let's not forget the Sarcoidosis and
the Prednisone. I am so glad you were there for all of that. I am, really. You
were the one I could count on. Making friends is tough when you're a grown-up
and working at everything that was just too hard!

But here's the thing. I outgrew you, just as surely as I outgrew those
size 10 blue jeans. Sure, you still felt comfortable to me. You calmed me down,
welcomed me with open arms. But I grew tired of sneaking around with you. I
realised that you act like my Best Friend, but you sabotaged me. You stabbed me
in the back. You do not have my best interests at heart. It's really all about
you and was never about what is best for me.

But breaking up was hard to do. You became my worst bad habit,
the dark sin I repented of every Monday morning. I was embarrassed by the way
you dominated my time and I pretended that we weren't really that close. But it
was clear enough to anyone who looked at me and my extra chins. The telltale
signs told that we were on intimate terms. I preferred spending time with you
than anyone else.

So, you had to go. Food, you were the sorriest excuse for a friend
ever. All that time when I thought you were helping me, bringing me peace,
entertaining me, you were wrapping your chubby little fingers around my heart,
ready to cut off the circulation.

You were demoted. So, stay in your proper place. From now on, you
serve me, you nourish me, you keep me healthy. That's it. Our old relationship
was clearly sick.

I might be lonely for you and maybe I'll be tempted to call. You are so
familiar to me! The easiest possible solution to every problem! Bored? Sad?
Happy? Tired? Cause for celebration? Let's eat! I may want to call you. But I
can't. I've stopped. You are no friend, despite your chumminess.

We're breaking up for good.

And I mean it this time. Leave your key on the table and don't call me
again.

Sniff sniff cluck cluck grief sniff

Oh my oh my. I am, quite frankly, suprised I can even see the screen for snot and tears.

I was caught yesterday, totally by suprise, by my sister in law. The one who was married to my late brother. She wrote to tell me of the amazing talent of my nephew, my brothers beautiful son. Which I know he has, in spades. But it threw me totally into the most ugly ugly grief stricken sobbing. For an hour or so. Not pretty.

(Actually, sobbing sounds like it might be pretty. It was more like gulping and loud howling from within, which reminded me of the primevil sounds I made during each of my labours. Accompanied by copious amounts of snot.)

Which is a nice segue to my emotional cluckiness. I have 2 gorgeous friends who are due their babies in the new year. One is onto number 3, and another onto number 4. Another couple of friends are expecting number 2. Lovely Loreena is expecting her first.

I then had a call yesterday from another friend who is 17 weeks pregnant with her number 3.

I am truly overjoyed. (To the point that I had a little happy cry in Kmart as she told me!)

But I cannot deny: I am clucky. Bad hormones. Raging to be pregnant again. Itching to give birth again. Desparate to hold a newborn of my making at my boob.

I know it is mad. I know it is impossible. (Literally, physically impossible. A vascectomy and early onset menopause make it impossible.) But I just cannot help being clucky. Crazy, I know.

Then, to add even more snot to the blubbering mess, I ended up chatting to my trainer (who should be a councellor too, incidentally) and we ended up talking about Mum........oh and didn't that open the heavens. She asked me: if you feel you have been parenting your Mum since you where 12, you need to ask that 12 year old girl what she missed out on then, and give it to yourself now. Far out. Easier said that digested.

I have so much to "deal with". I feel like I am being asked to drag myself through concrete. I secretly know it will be worth it. I am just too full of snot. I don't have the brain space. Nor the time.

So, all in all, these things make me tired. Emotionally tired. I feel like a wrung out dishcloth to be honest.

But all these things that make me cry: the grief, the cluckiness, the fears over Mum, the need to take care of myself......despite them all, I am still kind of happy and not depressed. How does that work?

On the one hand I think "Ah, bugger it, this too will pass". But deep down, I think I kind of know that "This too will pass" is simply a mechanism to avoid dealing. And for as long as I avoid dealing with this type of shite, the more regularly this shite will just cause a stumbling block.

Ohhhhhh, I dunno. it is so tempting to just ignore it all and play Jungle Jewels.

We shall see.

F*** Diets!

Ha, that go your attention?

Before you all (All? who I am kidding?) start chucking a fit, thinking that I am "giving up" on this whole diet shannanigans, hold up. bear with me on this one.

As some of you may know, I am a fan of hypnotherapy.

I know just how powerful the mind can is. It can make or break us.

I think it was Henry Ford that said:

"If you think you can do a thing or think you can't do a thing, you're right "

I have previously used Slim Forever (very effective, but an American accent, which grated on me. Body sounded like bardy.)

And have also dabbled with Think Slim, by Mark Stephens, which is great, and I have his whole collection, but there are just so many tracks on the MP3 player and so many CD's (all covering different food and weight issues) that it was a little bit daunting.

I also have Paul McKenna's "I Can Make You Slim" book and CD, which I am sure is probably really effective, but his voice is just too "gameshow host" for me. Too gimmicky a vibe.

So, when I found out recently that Susan Hepburn had a new book out.........ooooooh, excited! (I could only find it via Amazon, annoyingly, no where in Australia seems to stock it yet.)

Susan Hepburn - Hypnotherapist

F*** Diets

I promptly ordered my copy and thanks to Amazon it arrived quickly. And it works. 3 days in, and I can honestly say it is working. And the sleep that the hypnosis induces is also very very lovely.

I have actually just emailed Ms Hepburn herself, to ask, "Does hypnosis work if I fall asleep in the middle of the CD?" (Basically, her self guided relaxation is so good that I am fast asleep before she gets to the "good bit" LOL!)

(But it definately does appear to be working, so maybe I shouldn't worry so much?!)

Watch this space. I feel a new surge of energy with regard to this weight loss caper.

I am currently 76.4kg.

60kg is my goal. I have maintained for a year. And given up smoking.

Time to surge forward I think. 16.4kg to shift.

Bye.

Wise words.............

For any one out there in blog land who is:

• Dieting


• Watching their weight


• Gaining slimness


• Doing WW


• On Plan


• Adopting a healthy lifestyle


• Choosing well


• Eating sensibly


• Getting active

Or indeed any of the other trite sayings that are associated with this whole food and exercise caper, I heard these wise words the other day, from the mother of a friend of mine.

Both the friend and her mother are delightfully trim, so I heeded this little gem:

"It is not about the number on the scales, it's all about the silhouette"

October 2009:Chillaxin'

Well, I am still here.

I am just cruising nicely at the moment. Chillaxin', no less.

I am in a really great place.

I still have about 15kg to go, but I have maintained this current weight for nearly a year and am eating so well and exercise is still an utter joy, that I am really content.

I am a happy size 14. I am toned. I am fit. My clothes suit me. My skin is peachy. I no longer smoke. I no longer use food as a crutch. I no longer stuff my feelings down with food. I eat what every one else eats and am cool with that.

I do have a belly.. ...annoyingly. I have had three children in 2.5 years, from an overweight start. That baby belly skin has NO elasticity left. I think I could work out in the gym 7 hours a day for the next 12 months and that damn baby belly would still be slung around my middle like a padded apron.

Really, it is the ONLY bit of me that gets me down.

Which is pretty good really. Just goes to show how happy I am in relation to every other facet of my world!

So, I am exercing 5 times a week, eating normally, maintaining.

I am doing a term 4 weight loss sweepsteak challenge with my little gym, which is fun: I think I could stand to win around $2000 if I win. (To win I would need the highest body fat % lost.) So I am up for that. So this term may see me shift 6 or 7kg.

We shall see.................

I wish..............

FaceInHole is hilarious.




But all jokes aside, how glorious would it be if I really DID look like this?? Oh wait..........I can if I try?


OK then, I'll try........


(And I am now even more determined to continue to grow my hair...............)

Hungry!

At the risk of sounding like one of the kids, "I'm hungry".

I am starting from scratch.

I weighed in today with Lynda, and today is the start of 7 weeks of proper eating.

But it just goes to show how my shrunken tummy must have expanded.....I have eated well today, but I am still hungry................arrrgggg!

All will be sorted by Thursday........

Kickboxing starts............

Oh, nearly forgot.

I start kickboxing on Thursday night. Cannot wait!

Smoking

I know it's not glamourous. I know it stinks. I know it could kill me.

I know I am an ex smoker and I know I will never ever smoke again. (Honest, I promise.)

But Oh My Goddess, I could murder a fag right now.

Some head rush please. Some neck tendon untwisting time. Some deep inhalation? Some saltpetre crackle? Some acrid smoke? Some nicotene to fill up the "holes" in my blood?

Not sure why I am craving today, but I am.

I ache, and not in a good way.....

You know when you ache from a really good workout?

I love that ache.

But despite doing three mornings with my personal trainer already this week, I am not aware of that nice ache.

More of the flu ache that you get round the neck and shoulders. Complimented by some shivers and a horrible hot cold type of feeling.

And ear ache. And a shocker of a sore throat and a chesty feeling that reminds me of smoking too many fags (which I haven't by the way. 7 months of non smoking behind me, and I get sick?? How does that work??)

Nice.

Not.

But at least my appetite is diminished for a while.

Hopped on the scales this morning.

I have lost weight. Phew.

If I am not blogging, I am cruising.

And for the observant, yep, I have put on some weight.

But I guess the shock of putting on weight has kickstarted me into action. And as I am aware, if I blog, I am "good". If I am not blogging, I am cruising.

And whilst cruising is OK, it is not nice to put on weight.

So nose to the grindstone, if, for no other reason than to feel like I am controlling things myself, rather than food controlling me.

I get sent a little email occasionally from Linda Spangle (who writes a lot of books on emotional eating issues) and yet again it reminded me that this journey is one I do actually enjoy, and one that I do want to be on:

Real life didn't change just because you went on a diet. People still
bring cookies to work and invite you to birthday parties or happy hour. Others
entice you to share a dessert. And somewhere you may start to weaken. Perhaps
you get tired of planning and recording. Or you get side-tracked by stress,
fatigue or work challenges. Next thing you know, you give into temptation and
eat six cookies or have a couple glasses of wine.In reality, falling off your
diet isn't the end of the world. Unless -- you can't get back on it again.

That's what makes this such a critical point in your weight-loss plan.
What you do this week can affect the outcome of the entire year ahead. The late
Robert Cavett, founder of the National Speakers Association, once
said:

"You don't drown from falling in the water. You drown because you
don't get back out."

So if you've slipped up, don't give up on your goals. Just get back out
of the water! And if you haven't slipped, make sure you prevent this by staying
focused in the days ahead. Here's a few ideas to help you stay on track with
your goals of losing and maintaining your weight.

Go back to what works: When you first started your diet plan, what
helped you make it work? What tricks did you use to drink enough water or avoid
food temptations? Was there a certain time of day that you did your exercise?
Make a list of things that contributed to your ability to stay on track. Then
put these ideas back in place and use them to make your program successful
again.

Deepen your commitment: To strengthen your motivation, remind
yourself of all the reasons WHY you want to lose or maintain your weight. Then
spend an time giving extra attention, thought and effort to creating these
outcomes. At the end of the day, you will have deepened your commitment to your
program just by focusing harder on your goals.

Do one more day! Any time you're tempted to give up on your dieting
efforts, think about how much progress you've made so far. Then tell yourself
this:DON'T STOP NOW! Just do one more day! By following through with that simple
message, you'll immediately be another day closer to achieving your weight-loss
goals. And each time you stay on track for one more day, you'll have moved
further on the road toward a healthier life.

Sig

And from now on my blog posts will all have this funky little sig too:

I'm back.......

I have been too busy and too slack to blog. How lame is that.

But I promise myself to get in here and blog more.

You know you want to Lucy.......

At Marica's House!

And we are finally sorting out photos that she took of the kids over 2 years ago!

Slack....... but here's an update.....

So slack.

I posted on a friends blog today and it made me realise I haven't posted on here FOR TOO LONG!

Nearly two months.

I honestly have no excuse either, only lack of time, an addiction to Restuarant City on Facebook, and all sorts of other goings on.

So to recap and get myself up to speed, here is where I am at:

1. My weight is stable. I am neither losing or gaining. Whilst this frustrates me, and I wish I could lose more, it is what it is for the moment.

2. I turned 40 last month. Snaps attached here:

3. Olivia started school this term and is now in week 4. She is going great: tired, but loving it. I am so proud of her, and constantly amazed at how cool she is. And how beautiful.

I am exercising like a demon, and I am even running my own intervals now as well.

I am on the lookout for a 5/6km run too. I am running to some C25k podcasts which have inspired me. But for a variety of reasons I don't want to do City to Bay again, so am on the lookout for something else. Watch this space on that one!

I am still not smoking: over 4 months now, so I am proud, so very proud of that. Andrew has quit too, and I am even prouder of him!

So, all good. All happy.

I just need to now look at the next stage and actually look at losing the last 18kg.....................

Exercise March 2009

I lost a lovely 2.1kg last week, so truly feel like I am totally back in the groove.

The weather is gorgeous at the moment and I am in a good place.

I have been spending a fair amount of time on Facebook recently, and so many friends and family have asked how I manage to fit in the exercise I do around the kids.

Here is my current plan:

Monday 6am Group Personal Training (Cardio and Resistance) with Lynda. Home by 7am for a shower and this is about when the kids are waking up. (If they wake earlier, Andrew deals with them and slaps ABC kids on for them with a cup of juice!)

Tuesday 6am Group Interval Training with Lynda: this starts from next term. Again, I know I can be home by 7am.

Tuesday 7pm: Now that Better Bods is coming to an end, I have decided that I will continue to use my Tuesday nights for my fitness and Marisa and I are going to use the time to do "big things" like a huge hill, the Paracourse, a 14km walk etc. Andrew is really OK with being home by 7pm now, and I love the "night off" especially when I know I am getting some great exercise. And a good gossip with Marisa.

Wednesday 6am: Group Personal Training (Cardio and Resistance) with Lynda

Thursday 7.30pm: The solitary run, with my iPod. This is the one I have to really psych myself up for. It is only my iPod and its cheesy 1980's dance tracks that gets me out there in Wadmore Park running round in the dark. BUT, funnily enough, once I have done it, by myself, I feel so inspired.

Friday: This is a hard one as I have to do something around the kids. So usually a session with my fit ball and the DVD fit ball routine, or skipping, as well as Lynda's home Resistance workout. Or I run up and down the track at the back of the house.

Saturday: My day off! Although most Saturdays I will pram push one of the kids down to Target/Foodland, which is a lovely walk, and they love it.

Sunday: This is my "lie in" day when Andrew gets up with the kids and makes them brekky and gets them dressed etc. However, I chose to use this time to walk with Marisa. We meet at 7.30am at Morialta. We walk to the first falls and back, doing the Giants Cave steps on the way, and on the way back. It is one of my favourite times of the week. It is one of my favourite walks.

To be doing such a nice balance of exercise pretty much every day had been a totally alien concept to me up until this past year. I am so so so glad I am finally off my arse really making a difference to my health.

Even if I never lose another gram, this exercise business gives me so much energy, so many happy hormones, so much more of a sense of peace in my heart, so much more love to give to the kids and to Andrew, it is truly worth it. And so much easier than I ever imagined it would be.

And it had changed me from this:

To this:

LOST

At last.

I lost.

I know it is dumb to go by the number on the scales, but I increased muscle mass, lost body fat, gained water weight, but still LOST 0.8kg, which is a perfect perfect result.

Happy.

It is SO sad that those numbers can make or break my mood, but it does.

Hence my mood is brightened.

As it is by the idea of autumn coming. Woooohoo!

Reasons to break through....

This post might be in draft for a while whilst I accumulate all the reasons I can collect to break through this stagnant period.

Intellectually of course I know I want to carry on.

All reason suggests that getting back on a very focused plan is, of course, the best thing to do.

But I think I need to recall some of the more emotionally entrenched reasons to forge ahead.

Here are some of the things that have popped into my head today as I have pottered:

1. I was the one that chose to do this in the first place, against all odds. It was probably the last thing anyone imagined I would ever do, and I know it has seriously ticked some people off. And I'll be frank, it utterly delights me to think that I have the power to rattle those people with something as worthwhile as my personal fitness and appearance! Bring it on I say!

2. I was the one that chose this project. Let me finish it well, finish it on time, and finish it with more applause. I love love love the recognition that losing weight gives me. Big time. Whether it be positive comments from virtual strangers, amazed encouragement from friends, or comforting praise from Andrew, I revel in all those compliments. More please!

3. Conversely, if I chose to give up now, OH MY GOD. I will start putting on weight, which makes me feel sick to my stomach. What a waste that would be. Of time, of effort, of energy. I can only imagine how much sadness and immense regret that would bring me and I truly DO NOT WANT TO GO THERE.

4. Nor do I want to give ANYONE the satisfaction, EVER, of being able to say or think "She couldn't keep it off. I knew she'd stack it back on." Shudder. Cringe. No way.

5. Fitting in the tiny seats in economy and being able to easily put the little flappy table thingo down is a joy. An utter joy.

6. I love getting glammed up with a fake tan and a flattering outfit. Love it. But it's only such fun if I know I am at the best figure I can be.

7. Raunchy sex.

8. More energy in general, for the kids.

9. I have given up smoking for goodness sake. After 26 years of smoking, I am finally a non smoker, which is about the healthiest thing I have ever done in my whole life. So to continue to lose weight on top[ of that is a huge achievement. And I want to bask in the smugness!

10. I have a sad yearning to carry on losing weight so I can go on some cheesy "current affairs" show.

11. I love the smug feeling of going to bed at night knowing I have been a perfect angel with regard to food and exercise & water.

12. I truly love love love the buzz I get from the exercise. More please. And the sense of pride I get from having taking my training to the next level.

13. I love that Andrew is proud of what I have achieved so far, and I so do not want to backslide and risk disappointing him.

14. Charlie and Tom (and a lot of other people to be honest!) haven't seen me skinny yet. I want them to see me even slimmer and be amazed!

More to come, no doubt........